the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
