Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
