is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
