Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
