I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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