im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
