just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
