The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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