We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
