no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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