he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
