Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
