it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
