Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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