Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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