I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
