So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
