So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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