I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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