tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
