you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
