bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
