Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
