Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
