So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
