A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
