I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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