textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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