instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
