Im at strip club and am horny
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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