There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
