I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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