its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
