dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
