i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
