Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
