White coat. Heels.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
