i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
