I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
