Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
