Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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