1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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