Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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