I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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