I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
