my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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