does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
