i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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