I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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