i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
